The challenge ingredient tonight is....blandness!

My work colleagues and I do not see eye to eye on many issues - aboriginal affairs, multiculturalism, the war on Iraq, Johnny Depp - you name it and its pretty much cross-generational Gen Y versus Boomer warfare. I try to bamboozle them with words like 'podcasts' and 'nursing home', while they calmly remind me that housing prices are rising faster then my salary and as a result I will be a gypsie tenant for the rest of my life.

But there was one issue that united us all. Regardless of race, creed, generation or colour, we all agree that the American version of Iron Chef is not fit to wipe the saki off its Japanese parent.

The Americans have managed to get rid of everything which made the original Japanese version so much fun - the drag queen host, the funny American voice overs, the Hanjin Scholar food taster who turned food critique into poetry, and those crazy challenge ingredients and receipes (sea urchin ice cream anyone?).

Sure, they have replaced the original Chairman with a very dishy Mark Dacascos, who is quite easy on the eye and makes many a lady want to take on his iron chef, he is just too stylish in his Armani suit to be amusing. Chairman Kaga on the other hand was so daggy he was cool. The outfits for a start - never since Liberace has one man worn ruffles and diamantes with so much virility and manliness. The way he refuses to take a bite out of his food, preferring to shove the whole thing straight into this mouth and slowly masticating it from there was just pure genius. Chairman Kaga was a god.

The other thing about the US series that really bugs me is the lack of weird ingredients. I'm used to seeing chefs do some kinky shit with bitter gourd, sea weed, and a whole manner of other edible stuff that freaks caucasian people out. In Iron Chef America, the caucasians clearly remembered how freaked out they were and got rid of everything a good, god-fearin' American has not heard of. Gone too are the introductions on the best time to eat a particular food, "If memory serves me correctly, a white turnip is best eaten in between full moons and before the mist has lifted on a clear Autumn morning ." Now the competition clearly favours those chefs who are innovative, but not so much so that the tasters will have to try anything they won't find in a restaurant.

Which brings me to my next gripe - the freakin' tasters! They have no personality, and make boring comments that make me long for the soleful musings of the dolled up female actresses and dignified-looking gents who made up the Japanese panel. I really can't see anyone on the US show comparing artichoke to a lotus blossom in full bloom, or compare the skill of the chef to the delicateness of snow flakes falling on the leaves of a willow. They really should have used the Hanjin Scholar guy to make those leggos commercials where that old guy just strings together big words as an attempt to sound intellectual when describing a plate of pasta. I shudder to think what Hanjin Scholar would have said about the fava beans. But now, we have to make do with drivel like "Oh my gaaarrd, this is so not Atkins. My trainer says I can't eat any carbs after 6pm. Can I just like, have a steak or something?" Ok, so I exaggerate just a little, but you know what I mean.

Oh SBS, bring back Iron Chef Japan. Bring back the voice over who says "Flame-ola" everytime a wok toss stirs up the flames in the stove, bring back Iron Chef Chen Kenichi and the 'Chinaman speaking chinglish' American accent they've dupped him with, bring back the weird food, bring back the kitsche and the tackiness, just bring everything back...but keep Mark Dacascos...in my bedroom if need be.